Almonds Not Milked But Brutally Pulverized To Their Deaths! Locals Stunned

California Almonds, known for their nutritiously succulent milk, aren't milked at all but in fact, brutally pulverized to death. "We all knew they were thirsty little devils but the milk they produce is so dreamy that we had to make for allowances," California native, Roya Mitzatushi explained. "We take care of each other around here and when one of us is in need, the others give a lil extra. It's the Christian thing to do." Upon hearing of the pulverizing news, Mrs. Mitzatushi and her children simultaneously cried, vomited and prayed.

The state produces over 80 percent of the world's Almonds. Roya explains, "The thing is, nuts use a whole lot of water. It takes about a gallon of water to grow one Almond and nearly five gallons to produce a Walnut. Now...we don't mess with no Walnuts. They're dark and we find 'em kinda lazy, stupid and they don't give us milk like them sweet almonds do. Almonds need our help...it's the American thing to do. We don't understand how folks can just sit by and let these little critters be destroyed."

The amount of water that California uses annually to produce almond exports would provide water for all Los Angeles homes and businesses for almost three years. "We understand dat dem hoity-toities in La La Land need their fancy pools but these nuts need this water to survive. One pool equals eighteen thousand Almonds...a whole God damned city of Almonds!" local Alderman Phil Diamond (no relation to the 'Blue Diamond' Almond Company) said, "We are shocked to hear that these lil fellas are getting mashed up like some common peanut getting ready to be buttered. These are Almonds we're talking about!"