Prince Charles Proclaimed King Vlad IV of Transylvania, Prince Phillip Retires From Public life to b
In a surprise announcement, late Wednesday night, His Royal Highness Charles, Prince of Wales, was proclaimed His Royal Majesty, King Vlad IV. The accession heralded the new sovereign as Ruler of Transylvania. Reports confirmed that Prince Charles was indeed the true-born heir to Prince Vlad Dracula III, more commonly known as legendarily cruel 15th-century prince Vlad the Impaler, the psychopathic despot whose reputation for impaling enemies on pikes gave rise to Bram Stoker's 1897 novel Dracula.
News quickly spread through-out Buckingham Palace, home of Her Royal Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, as footmen and chambermaids hastily packed up the Prince's belongings. Accompanying the newly crowned king will be his wife, Princess Camilla Consort, who's belongings were tossed promptly into a rubbish bin and set ablaze for the journey.
Upon hearing the news, HRH Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, retired from public life to join his son as Hand of the King. HRM Queen Elizabeth II, barely being able to hear the news whilst tearing up the English countryside in her newly fitted Land Rover Defender, whom she christened, "Lady Bubbles, Defender of the Swan," was overheard saying, "Crikey, it's about bloody time, fetch William."
With luggage secured and the Royal Majesties strapped in, King Vlad IV, Queen Wench Camilla and Hand of the King, Count Mountblather III (Having to give up his English title, the Prince retook his former pre-Windsor family name), piled into Vlad's 1930 ‘Blue Train’ Bentley Speed Six and set off for the King's new home.
The Royal Bentley arrived at the imposing 15th century Corvin Castle, located in Hunedoara, Transylvania amongst fanfare and flurry of peasant celebration, the likes of which hadn't been seen in centuries. Freshly hewn pikes lined the streets in preparation of the Virgin Impaler.
After being formally coronated by the regional magistrate, the newly crowned King had this to say, "I hadn't been aware just how extraordinary this part of the world is with all its biodiversity, the wildflower meadows. It just seemed to me, particularly this area of the Carpathian mountains, to be literally the last unspoilt, untouched area where fluffy bunnies hop about and nightingales and warblers joyfully sing their love songs draped in moonlit nights."
Mouths dropped and a deafening silence swept over the crowd.
The King went on to pontificate, "Something in our soul, I think, responds to wildflower meadows. The association of the wildflowers, the butterflies, daffodils and hummingbirds ... the whole thing, really. Why shouldn’t more people have access to that?"
The crowd stunned and awed by the King's speech, due to its lack of impaling, purging and execution rhetoric, were horrified. As murmurs began, the town squire, Mircea Kurv Igorislav, quelled and reminded the crowd that Vlad III, was himself, a daffodil farmer before his blood-soaked reign.
"He's not talking about bloody flowers again?" The new Hand of the King was overheard muttering as castle staff escorted him to his chambers in the Neboisa Tower of the castle. "If he starts talking about the "Extra Knight of the Most Ancient and Most Noble Order of the Thistle" I'm going to take some thistle and shove it so far up that boy's arse that he won't be able to shit for a week. We should have never let him in the garden."
The following day brought no relief to the castle staff and clambering villagers. While overhearing the King's plans, during a tour around the grounds, to convert the castle into a "Delightful B&B full of gayety and jocosity with afternoon tea & crochet," the ensuing conversation and events unfolded:
"Look, papa ... Aren't these flowers lovely? Our guests will surely enjoy them most wholeheartedly. The three of us ought do some gardening after lunch and inspire the locals. Let's really get our hands dirty"
"No son of mine will be tending to hedges. You'll be impaling something beside that trollop excuse for a wench, Camilla, if I've got anything to do with it."
"But I don't want to impale things, papa. I want to grow things and sing and dance and frolic about. Just look at these fields, they're ripe for frolicking."
"Oh, for God's sake! Impale someone you pansy," were the last words uttered out of the Hand of the King's mouth. For unbeknownst to the bickering father and son, the Queen Wench found the biggest and sharpest pike she could find and simultaneously impaled the lot. Covered in blood, she then dragged the two speared royals to the town square where she proceeded to erect the pike to the villager's merriment.
Cries of, "All hail the Bloody Wench" & "Vlad Save the Queen!" were heard throughout the blooming and quite frankly, delightful wildflower meadows.
She was then proclaimed Queen Vladitzia V, Pansy Poker, in light of her valiant and bloodstained charge and disposal of the British pansies, letting blood flow freely again in the land of Vlad.
This article is most respectfully dedicated to one Kyle Pottorff. Who, on the morrow, turns the ripe ole age of 35. Happy birthday, jackass!
https://www.princeofwales.gov.uk/the-prince-of-wales/the-princes-charities
http://www.transylvaniancastle.com
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