Antarctica's Calved Larsen C Ice Shelf Breaks Off. "Floating Rights" Dispute Between A
"Is this penguin meat? Oh, it's seal ... Well, It's just delicious! Has anyone seen the caterers?" ... Jeremy Clarkson
During the United Nations sponsored World Oceans Day, disputes erupted over floating rights as a massive ice shelf, Larsen C, calved off the Antarctic coast into international waters between Argentina and the British held Falkland Islands. The United Kingdom and Argentina both claim sovereign rights over the Falkland Islands and now Larsen C.
Under direction by UK Prime Minister Theresa May, the Falkland Islands claimed the iceberg for mother England, to be shipped back to the UK, "post-haste" to offset the economic costs of implementing Brexit and exiting the EU. With the home office in London foreseeing the impending conflict, former BBC host, Jeremy "Big Ape" Clarkson, was sent to quell the dispute, along with increased troop deployment. All parties and caterers were reportedly terrified.
Argentina declared the iceberg for its cattle industry. Due to recent warming weather patterns, that had caused the calving in the first place, the fertile pastures of the Pampas region have been unusually hot and ice free. Rogelio Frigerio, the Minister of Interior Affairs, stated, "This is our ice! Our cattle require chilled drinking water!" Argentine beef, being known for its succulence, has often been accredited to the cattle being given chilled drinking water with just a hint of cucumber.
The declaration added the UK had violated UN rules through the “increasing militarization of the area". "In view of the above we, the undersigned, call upon the UK government to remove all rights to Larsen C and get that blithering idiot out of here," referring to Mr. Clarkson.
Mr. Clarkson, spending most of his time milling about the catering tables, pounding shandies at the bar and outside, smoking English fags, had this to say, "I really don't see what all this fuss is about," whilst shoveling shrimp down his gullet. "We'll just split the bloody thing in half. It's a third the size of Wales, for fucks sake! ... plenty for all."
Negotiators on both sides refrained from bickering to absorb and evaluate Mr. Clarkson's proposal which he went on to describe:
"It's really quite simple," Clarkson pontificated humbly. "We load up three specially outfitted Toyota Hilux pickups and the idiots (fellow presenters Richard Hammond & James May) and I will strategically place explosives down the center line and then blow the thing in half. We'll make it our first "trip" episode on the Grand Tour and we'll set yet another record by being the first men to drive across an iceberg. We can have a studio audience on each side."
The project was approved, disclaimers were signed and preparations were made. With studios in place, camera crews on the ready and Hiluxes geared up, the three presenters dashed across the iceberg, following precise coordinates, to carry out the explosive detonation.
During a live broadcast featuring May in one studio, Hammond in the other and Clarkson on-site at the detonation station, the countdown was on. British cruise ships, full of pensive passengers waiting in anticipation to witness the spectacle, lined the nearby waterways. With a preverbal 3-2-1 countdown, the tires were kicked and the fires were lit.
The explosion that ensued mesmerized the world. With camera crews filming from all angles, Larsen C was obliterated into tiny pieces. Lost were the crew and audience of the Grand Tour as were May, Hammond & especially Clarkson. Onlookers gasped and cried in terror as the entire iceberg collapsed into the sea before they too were obliterated by the tsunami that followed.
The destruction of Larsen C was calculated and masterminded by Argentinian (German) scientists to create a tsunami that went straight for England. The Thames River flood gates could not be closed in time and the city of London was lost.
Following the incident, the Argentine PM only had this to say: "There you go you English Kniggets! We don't need no stinking ice! And you can kiss your "Big Ape" goodbye!"
p.s. "We're taking the Falklands back!"
