Dictator of the Democratic Republic of Congo Doesn't Realize Irony of Country's Name While B

Upon reaching the end of his constitutional two-term limit last year, President Joseph Kabila of The Democratic Republic of the Congo, showed no sign of relinquishing his throne. After months of delays, for which a defiant Mr. Kabila has blamed on incompetent voters, consternation in the Congo and around the world pervades. Violating Congo’s constitution, Mr. Kabila has set himself up as a president for life, subsequently filling the hungry streets and broken prison cells with fury and rage.

The DRC has one of the longest histories of violent unrest in the world. Studies have attributed that to the Congolese having the largest penises on the planet, with an average dick size of 18.03 cm (7.1 inches). For large swathes of the population, "Cock Wars" have become a way of life. Here, conflicts over length and girth play just as big of a part as the hunt for natural resources of which the DRC has a vast supply of, with the mining of coltan, cobalt, copper, diamond, tantalum, tin, and gold fueling most of the violence. Complex power-plays and gang-bangs, orchestrated by Mr. Kabila, take place between numerous warring factions, all of whom repeatedly commit violent acts and atrocities against the innocent bystanders caught between the cross-fire. ​

Long plagued by corruption and an inept government, people in the Democratic Republic of Congo were confronted with a new problem following the fourth prison break in a month, with over 5,000 of the country's biggest dicks, including hard-core felons and war criminals, being set free into the countryside to help contribute to the ever growing population rate. Eleven people were killed on Monday when militants attacked a prison in the North Kivu province of the DRC and freed more than 900 inmates, following what appeared to have been the biggest prison break ever in the continent's history, with nearly 4,200 inmates escaping from its most notorious penitentiary, the maximum-security Makala prison in Kinshasa. "We're now seeing the biggest dicks in the country inciting havoc among the millions of displaced Congolese," Minister of the Interior, Edem Kodjo stated. "These men are averaging cocks over 23cm (9.1inches) and they have had plenty of practice using them whilst being locked up and they're not afraid to use them again." Strife was reportedly caused by President Kabila's refusal to step down.

In his only public speech, Mr. Kabila, was defiant about his refusal to hand over power and give up the "presidency". “I cannot allow the republic to be taken hostage by a fringe of the political class,” he told parliament last month, referring to the 52 million Congolese living in poverty. "My presidency had brought peace and economic growth to Congo," the 45-year-old said. "Yes ... some have been displaced (2.3 million ... down from 26 million), and yes ... we have a few orphans (4 million) but we have gone from 179th poorest country in the world, out of 187, to 176th in the last 20 years." He also outlined reforms he’d made in mining, energy, telecommunications and banking. What he didn’t say is how his own family members were among the biggest beneficiaries of those changes—including his sister Jaynet and brother Zoe, who both listened from the front row with gleeful smiles and dollar signs glimmering in their eyes, as elected members of parliament.

Together the Kabilas have built a network of businesses that reach into every corner of the Congo’s economy and has brought hundreds of millions of dollars to the family. The sprawling network and estimated $24 trillion in untapped mineral deposits, seemed to explain why the president is ignoring pleas by the US, the European Union and a majority of the Congolese people to hand over power in a country where World Bank data show that nearly two-thirds of the 77 million people live on less than $1.90 per day. The United States government, a major donor to Congo, imposed sanctions on senior Congolese officials last year in an apparent effort to pressure the president, calling Mr. Kabila "a real fucking Dick!"

The Center of Study for the Promotion of Peace, Democracy and Human Rights, reported that late Tuesday night, several thousand well-hung and well-armed forces stormed and overtook the presidential palace, located in the capital city of Kinshasa. With hordes of villagers queuing up for the Gang-Raping of Mr. Kabila and the presidential family, long sought-after peace and stability in the region were finally achieved.

One begs the question: "Is it the best to have (be) the biggest dick in the world?"

Editor's note: "Although I've tried to shed humor onto the tragedies of the Congo and it's people, I can't help feeling compassion for them. After struggling heavily while writing this piece, I went into a debate on whether or not to publish it. I came to the conclusion that, with more awareness, hopefully these travesties will stop ... so I've hit the publish button and trust that comedy will prevail. Listed below are links to several charities that benefit the good people of the Congo." ilia k.

www.savethechildren.org

www.aidforafrica.org/category/democratic-republic-of-the-congo

http://www.congoaction.co.uk

http://www.easterncongo.org