To Barbie's Dismay, The Ken's Are Gay!
Mattel Releases New Ken Dolls Who Promptly Catch a Ferry to Provincetown for Their Fourth of July, Gay Celebrations
...Each year, tens of thousands of gay men descend upon Provincetown, Massachusetts, for their annual Fourth of July celebrations and this year they were accompanied by all fifteen of Mattel Corporation's new fleet of Ken dolls. Released last week, the Ken's met their Barbie counterparts and quickly proceeded to leave them in waiting.
Mattel, aka the company that introduced the world to Barbie and an unrealistic beauty standard for women, just released a new line of Ken dolls featuring 15 "new looks". Last year, in an effort to make Barbie more diverse, Mattel did a similar remake for Barbie, debuting a variety of new skin tones and body shapes. At this years unveiling, each Barbie waited in anticipation whilst holding a single red rose to bestow on their new beau as one by one, the lads emerged on stage to be greeted by the ecstatic girls that giggled and fluttered about.
The Kens graciously accepted the roses with "kisses" and "tons of hugs", to the promoters delight but all was not as it seemed. "Ah Fuck!" was heard throughout the halls as Polka Dot Fun Barbie was the first to see her dreams of a relationship fizzle and fade, being overheard saying, "they're gay! I knew I was gonna get screwed! I'm outta here!"
The other Barbie's looked in disbelief as Hyped on Stripes Ken was like, "Well duh ... of course we're gay, sweetie, we're dolls."
"And really hot dolls," Hip-Hoodie Ken chimed in. "Have you seen my delts? Ain't no sleeves evah gonna cover-up these guns." Camo Comeback Ken couldn't have agreed more; "You're smoking hot man, let's go hit the gym and sauna right now."
As the Barbies wallowed and sobbed and the Kens began to pair off, Plaid Barbie, being the bitch of the group, smugly reminded the room of the Kens' missing appendages. "Umm...did you guys forget that you don't have dicks? You might as well just hang with us."
"Holy shit guys, she's right!" Original Ken yelled out. "Those fuckers were gonna fix that!"
Barbara Handler, project developer and inspiration for the original Barbie Doll, quickly stepped in to attempt to quell the tension that was clearly mounting up, unlike the pouches of the angry Ken dolls. "We decided, last minute, to keep your parts smooth and clean for wholesome fun," Ms. Handler stated.
Cactus Cooler Ken and Tropical Vibes Ken promptly Grindr'd & Scruff'd as the rest of the lads contemplated their fate. "Let's go to P-Town!" CC Ken yelled. "It's July 4th! We're not gonna sit around with these bitches all day ... and plus, we're all bottoms anyways, so who cares!" TV Ken followed up with, "Grab your things, girls ... we're getting a party bus! ... WooWhoo!" The boys quickly climbed aboard while tossing their roses into the gutters.
P-Town (as it's commonly referred to as ... but not a golden shower reference) is a town steeped in American history. It’s also the nation’s best and brightest LGBT summer resort destination. Sparkled in red, white, gay, and blue, like no other place in the country, it welcomed the boys from Mattel with open arms.
The Ken's arrived at the Boatslip Resort's infamous "extended Tea-Dance/Fireworks Show" and quickly spotted the well hung studs from Tom of Finland and Billy Dolls (Billy, Carlos & Tyson) to have their wildest fantasies cum true.
After meeting Tyson, Stylin' Stripes Ken told the group that he was leaving the party. "You're not gonna stay for the fireworks," asked Denim Blues Ken?
"I'm getting me some BBC, have you seen the size of that thing? There's definitely gonna be some Fireworks! See ya on Fire Island, bitches!"
"Happy 4th of July, Queers! ... Kisses!"
