Jordan "Double-Dick" Malloy: "One of My Dicks' is Gay and the Other One's Str
---Warning---
This article contains scenes of a crude adult content (Masturbatory bipolarisms, schizophrenic double penetrations and pan-galactic sexual escapades, etc...) and is intended for mature audiences only (so enjoy kids:). This article may also contains strong "fucking" language. Reader discretion is advised and locking-up your children is, once again, greatly encouraged ... in general.
In a sleepy town located in the County of Sussex, on a river called Platte, lives a wholly uninteresting man who bears a wholly interesting trait. He is a man that has two heads. Two penis heads to be exact. For Jordan B. Malloy of Sussex County, of the River Platte, has two penises. A remarkable trait that, unbeknownst to him, denotes a highly majestic galactic lineage being the forth cousin, once removed to the great great great grandson of the infamous former President of the Galaxy, Zaphod Bebblebrox and the adopted second cousin, twice removed of one Ford Prefect (Genealogy be damned)...
"So yeah, I've got two dicks," explained Jordan "Double-Dick" Malloy. "And yeah, one's gay and the other's straight!
This is the extraordinary story of one Jordan "Double-Dick" Malloy and his double-dicked adventures...
Part One: Adolescence
"I was born with two dicks. I named 'em Beauregard and Reginald, with respect to my two great grand-dads. It was weird at first but it wasn't an issue til they started to get hard up, my dicks, that is," Double D explained.
I was raised in the north and as a kid, you ain't droppin' ya drawers a lot. Conservative bunch up there and it's cold as fuck! ... but that first hot summer day when all the kids stripped down and jumped inta the river (the River Platte), I just couldn't and didn't resist. I dropped my drawers and let the fellas flop about. It was awesome! It was the first time the lads saw the light of day!
Being the great great great great great fourth cousin, once removed of Zaphod Beeblebrox, Master Malloy's double cocks were subject to certain intrinsic arousals by the mutagen effects of the tiny star earthlings referred to as their Sun. Of course, it wasn't "their" sun at all as it was on loan from the mining colony of Shawnapenizia. Ford Prefect's genes were in no way affected by said sun as he maintained a perfectly aroused complexion year round, regardless of planet or light source.
"The kids ran away but I didn't care about that, so much as I wondered about what the lads were doing down there. They both got hard as Fuck! It was awesome! It felt great, so I headed home to sort stuff out.
The biggest issue I had was that "Lefty", Beau, leaned to the right and "Righty", Reggie, leaned to the left. Not because of any political issues, mind you, but because Beau liked the right hand wank and Reggi liked the left hand stroke and of course I had to sort them out at the same time ... so, I took to "uttering" them each day cuz my arms got in the way if I jacked 'em regular like."
The act of Uttering can be described as such; Instead of practicing the traditional thumb up masturbatory stroking technique, one must invert the hand in a thumb down manner, much like one does whilst milking a cow's utter. Hence the term "Uttering". An entirely non-relaxing stroking position but nonetheless, quite an effective and rewarding wank.
"I got so excited when i finally got to fuck for the first time but the excitement didn't last long..."
Unbeknownst to Mr. Malloy and his prestigious heritage with subsequently prestigious appendages, a universal balance had been deemed necessary. Hence, one penis was of a heterosexual nature and the other was of a homosexual nature.
"Reggie didn't get up and Adam for the occasion, if ya know what I mean. He's the bigger dick, technically speaking that is (he's actually easier to get on with) but as it turns out, he's gay as fuck! ... and while Bo was raging for a plowing into Jessy-Jo Lindehoezan, the insatiable county minx, Reggie wasn't having it!
Bo was so God-damned pissed off, he started pissing on Reggie! I didn't know what the hell was going on. Jessy-Jo got drenched in the process (not by what she wanted to get drenched by, if ya know what I mean). I wasn't concerned by that too much but I had to figure this out before I got a reputation for being into water sports on top of having two dicks."
Water Sports can be defined in several way: Tobogganing whilst in warm sloshy weather, Aquajogging in underwater shopping centers and Synchronized Diving with pelicans, penguins and hydrofoiling Sea Monkeys, etc... It may also be defined by the act of a Golden Showers, in which sexual excitement is associated with getting pissed. A most filthy habit brought back from the former Greek inhabitants (& carried on by Germans to this day) of the long lost City of Atlantis, where urination wasn't really a big deal at all, since the lot was happily submerged in briny waters. When this tradition was continued onto dry land, water-proof latex/rubber sheets had to be devised and the whole lot became a big smelly sticky mess.)
Part Two: When Two Hands Aren't Enough
Jordan realizes that sexual awareness is tough as balls...
Editor's Note. This is an ill conceived attempt to honor the great Douglas Adams. May you be having a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster right now & hopefully you don't think this article is as awful as Vogon poetry and I've no problem with ws.
All content on this web site, such as text, graphics, logos, images, offensive butt wiping materials and hence therefore unto such stuff ... are the property of La Republique Nationale, LLC
Copyright 2017, La Republique Nationale, LLC. All Rights Reserved. All Content Copyright and other rights reserved by its Respective Owners. No Content May Be Duplicated Without Express Written Consent. a P.I.G. Production.
.
