Five Worst Places to Get Bitten by a Mosquito! 🦟 ... and I don't mean Cleveland! 🤭

Just a friendly summertime reminder whilst we crack open Corona's and fend off the village idiot (aka Trump) ... It's mosquito season!

On average, mosquitoes kill over 1 million people each year. That's more than all other creatures combined, including humans 475,000 (murders only). Snakes and dogs a.k.a. "man's beast friend" come in 2nd and 3rd with 50,000 & 28,000 deaths.

The terrifying shark, tallied in a mind-boggling figure of 2. That's right ... 2! Two fucking fatalities in 2019 with 64 unprovoked attacks. Makes ya think, right? Sharks are fucking awesome. Their PR person is shit.

Let's get back to the mighty killer. This article is not about the deadly side of this blood sucking buzzing blight but rather the annoying side. The five worst places to get bitten by a mosquito:

#5 The Ear

The most annoying element of this is in fact the pre-bite buzz.

We can all recall our countless sleepless summer nights spent trying to blindly snuff out the sucking pygmy vampire bat. Finally jumping out of the bed, turning on the lights and stalking our adversary with eyes darting about the bedroom and ears listening for the faint hum and flitter of the devious nemesis.

When one is lucky, the ceiling comes to our rescue as the blood sucker bounces un-rhythmically into it. More often than not, at this time of night, Madam M had (only female mosquitoes drink blood, males feed on nectar) supped upon our exposed limbs several times already. Therefore, when you do finally squash her, a giant bloody stain is left upon a freshly painted wall or ceiling. Tragic? Yes, but we finally get to fall asleep with a smug grin on our faces.

#4 Tie: The Butt Cheeks/Ass Crack

Technically this is the same region of the body but the two locations elicit different reactions.

a) Butt Cheeks. Somewhat self explanatory. Sitting causes chafing and therefore the scratching of the ass. Always a classy look, especially when patience evaporates and the hand goes digging into the shorts. Picnickers and campers be damned.

b) Ass Crack (talebone). Not sure why this spot is so sensitive but god-damn! It is! Is it our inability to wag our tails to shoo-off the aggressor? Has evolution made us vulnerable? Uncertain, but it is annoying as all can be!

#3 The Fingers

Almost impossible to not scratch. Therefore, healing times are measured in days and weeks. This is truly an exasperating experience. Washing one's hands (in the age of COVID) just ignites frustration. Curse word level, 9 out of 10!

#2 The Penis

Ladies, I cannot speak to your parts but I can assure you that a prick on the prick is quite unbearable. Glorious morning wood could not be more dreaded. Urinating is unbearable. Unlike the camping experience of the butt cheek scratch, crotch grabbing is most definitely unacceptable. Masturbation and sex are right out. Curse word level, a solid 10 out of 10! ...possibly 11

Ladies, if there's a vagina experience that I need to be sensitive to, please enlighten me and I will gladly post and add to this article.

#1 An Eyelid

May this never happen to you or anyone that you love. The eyelid bite is monumental. Playboy magazine used to have a list of great party college towns. The top 10 would be listed and then an article of Madison, Wisconsin would follow with the tag line ... "And Then There's Madison".

Well ... that's what we're talking about.

BLINKING! Blinking almost makes ya cry. Curse word level, nah. No curse words. Tears, yes. Tears that roll down your face. It's just getting bigger ...FUCK!

Okay, I guess there's a curse word.

I leave you with a thought. In 2019 we wished for the year to end and we got 2020. May I suggest we stop wishing for 2020 to end. Rather, let's try to make this shit show a bit less shitty because it's good to remember what they say about the Gods when they want to punish us ... they grant us our wishes.

Happy summer everyone. May the bites be few and the love be true.

This article is dedicated to my dear friend Vicky B.

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